Conversations with the past

Last night I had a conversation with one of my really good friends - and while trying to explain why I'm living the way I am I realized its very hard to get anyone who doesn't feel the same way to understand. I got quite a few weird looks and while she's happy for me because I'm doing so great now I know she doesn't completely get it. I was listening to music today and I stumbled upon this song below - so instead of writing more I'm just going to post the song because it explains how I feel pretty perfectly.

They're telling me they're concerned for the way I am living
That I'll miss it all why would I think that God is that trusting
I can't explain all the words He has spoken to my heart
Why'd I want him more

I don't regret choosing you
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

Why do we think if we trust God too much will fail us
Nothing has come when I chose that its in me I'd trust
Separate me You have called out to follow You blindly
I won't fear You're leading me

I don't regret choosing You
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

You have shown my ever wondering heart what love is
What on earth is more important than to have all of you

I don't regret choosing you
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

:]

This weekend really convicted me of so many things. I’m still so apart of the world that it’s hindering my walk with God – and that is no longer something that is acceptable to me. I want to be filled with the holy spirit but I’m not doing all that I need to do in order for that to happen. So many things are just a habit to me – I don’t even want to do them but I’ve had them in my life for so long that it’s hard to stop. I waste so much time when I should be productive doing things for school, or going to the gym, dancing, reading my bible… so I decided that I need to break these habits that keep me from the things I really want to do. I’m taking a break from myspace & facebook – my time spent on those sites could be put to such better use. If I read my bible or prayed as much as I was on those things I would be in a much better position right now. So I’m giving myself 1 month – that’s about the time you need to break a habit. :]

ps: Rebecca St James & BarlowGirl - Forgive Me

-Steph

"I love you because I know you're always there. There to catch me when I fall. There to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone. I love you because you understand me. You know how I feel even when I can't say it. You know I'm not as strong as I say and still you never let me know that I'm not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe, believe that I am not worthless. Believe that I can be loved, am loved, and can love others. I love you because you know, you know I feel this way but can't say it and still you wait. Letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that I love you, would give my life up to be with you. And above all, never hurt you, lie to you, or leave you. Now I hope you understand."

Feelings...

they are the worst thing in the world sometimes...

they can lead you in so many wrong directions that you don't even know what you're feeling anymore.

but you can make the decision not to lead with your feelings - but to lead with what you know is right.

its hard though when sometimes you can't seem to get the thoughts of him out of your head.

Funny how this happens

So I had a road block - a pretty big one actually. I totally failed the test I was so sure I could conquer and I was feeling really down about it. It took me almost 2 weeks to tell J about it - I was so ashamed I really didn't want to tell anyone. Even after I told someone...everything that was said was just words to me. They didn't make much of a difference to how I was feeling at that moment. I felt so far away from God and everything that I had accepted into my life over the past few months and it was incredibly draining. It was amazing to me at how quickly the world took over my life once again - when I didn't think that was possible. I didn't feel like I deserved to be forgiven even though that's why Jesus died..to forgive us for our sins even when we don't feel like we should be forgiven.

I hung out with J & SB last night and it was pretty awesome - they always make me laugh...when J walked me to the door he told me to look up 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 - that God told him to tell me to read that & that he has an amazing path for me. [You know sometimes I feel like J knows more than I do about my own walk & path with God - it seems God tells him more than he tells me!! whats up with that? :)] anyways - I read it and I was speechless. It was exactly how I had been feeling about the issues I was having with the "problem" & it just resonated deep within me. Because I am weak, I am strong...he gives me my strength & that is enough to win any trial I may hit down the road. I just need to accept that there will always be a thorn in my flesh but that it can make me stronger.