shhh, sit down and let me tell you a story

its the story of a girl, a girl who was so lost she didn't know which way was up or which way was down. Now you might think this is a sad story, but its not. It's one of the happiest stories I know. now shh, sit down and let me tell you a story.

cyn·i·cal (sn-kl)
adj.
1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns;
2. Selfishly or callously calculating
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness:
4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity:

Cynical, it was her favorite word besides jaded. She relished those words, harbored those feelings and let them feed into who she was. If anyone asked why she was that way she would laugh, and say pain, suffering, being twisted inside is healthy, it gives you a good dose of reality. So it was reality that she craved? She often wondered, but for all those people that found peace and happiness in life she felt nothing towards. For all they were were stupid little minions who thought love and laughter could solve all that torture and pain inside. Pssh what did they know? THEY KNEW NOTHING.

Years wore on, it got worse. It got so bad that the very thought of love, marriage, children, it all was a burden. Something that could not be bothered with, because her life, HER needs were so much more important. Now - why was this little girl like this? Didn't anyone love her? Yes, actually many people tried to love her, but she pushed them away with so much force they eventually would stop trying. Leaving her alone, without people who actually cared for her, and instead left her in the hands of people like herself, rotting and ugly inside.

It was a miracle, a series of miracles that saved this little girl from herself. The details are not as important as the message of life this story brings. Through LOVE, really only through love did she change. Love of God, of a man, of family, friends, clear summer days, her grandma's cooking, the smell of cookies in the oven....silly little things really. That made her realize just how precious this life we have is. Yes, one day we will go to Heaven and be with God, but she now understood the importance of accepting her life on Earth as well. While so much of life here is ugly and horrible, there are those things that make it worth while. There is beauty everywhere - you only need to look for it.

Love, such a simple word - yet it has the ability to change a person. While there are many that run from it, are terrified of letting themselves feel that, it will get you now where but misery and pain. Misery and pain, those are not your friends. They might make you feel, but its the wrong kind of feeling. As time wore on, she realized all of this. Life is hard, but you have to choose to NOT be the victim of the master of this Earth, and instead choose to rise above it and fight for life, fight for love and fight for yourself. There will be those that will always catch you when you fall, that will never leave you - but to a point, the only person that can save you from yourself....is yourself.

Now child, do you understand the point of the story? It's quite simple, so I'll tell you one more time. As you get older life will become dreary, it will become old. Find beauty, treasure it, love it, it will heal your soul, it will enable you to live.

Sometimes tired doesn’t come close
Exhausted maybe?
Maybe…
It’s always something, there really never seems to be a break
When all I really want in this life
Is to just be at peace
To close my eyes and breathe in sweet fresh air
To sit on a porch swing and watch the sun disappear behind the hills
To watch my grandchildren playing in the grass
To see that sweet old man I married 40 years ago
Smile at me from his chair on the porch.
Sometimes tired doesn’t come close
Exhausted maybe?
Maybe…

I haven’t written much lately – just little things that come to mind. I still don’t really feel like writing much – life is good though. Tiring…yes of course. I’ve made a few mistakes lately, and as much as they make me mad at myself I need to let them go. I just need to focus again – that’s what came of my prayers last night. Before I was focused, lately I’ve just been going through things spontaneously. While that spontaneity hasn’t been a bad thing in all instances – it has in others. I’m 23 as of Friday – no longer a kid by any means. I want to enjoy my life, have fun, however going out so much is not that answer to those needs or wants. I think its because I’m so sick of school, of work…I really wish I was at the end of all this. Only 9 more months to go…I just need to get over it and wait it out :]

When your life is tangled
You wear your disguises
But why do you need to
When I'm standing here beside you?

You can lay your head down
And we'll leave it til tomorrow

<3 La Roux

at night I pray - for you, for me, for the world, for this life. I know He hears me - one day.

i want laughter, can't breathe crying laughter. it makes everything better :)  

that and cookie dough

Mystery of you

You always said we'd meet again
You always said you'd be here

You touch the deepest part of me
The places I could not save
Just tell me why I’m so dark inside

Somewhere, I will find
All the pieces torn apart, you just left behind
In your mystery

Somewhere I will see
All you taken from me
All you kept deep inside
In the mystery of you

It’s obvious you understand the blood that on my hands
I’m paralyzed, I can’t escape
Until I see your face
You’re all I know

You’re all I know
Don’t go...