I forgot

hows things used to be, and then when I remembered I realized I don't miss them anymore.

Editors Note: Senior Project 1

Part of my ever growing senior project...

Cities everywhere have always possessed a certain charm. No matter how dirty, no matter how old, there is something about being surrounded by people, buildings, and the pure life force that is present in an urban city. For a lot of us, the dream of moving to a big city and conquering the world has an intoxicating power to it. We all want to be that girl in the city that has it all.

I remember the first time I went to the city by myself; it was simply an experience I will never forget. My city was and is San Francisco, and walking her streets alone that one night was all it took; I had fallen in love with everything she had to offer. The bright city street was teeming with people, the noise and chaos swelling up around me. The honking of horns, the click of heels, the sound of people yelling, the smells of different cultures all wafting down the street from all the restaurants. It was an overload of my senses and I loved every second of it. I stopped walking and stood there listening intently, taking in the sounds I was hearing. It was like a symphony started to form in my head and the city was following along with it, all its chaos creating a beautiful harmony. In that moment, all was peaceful. It’s the noise of life, of us moving forward and creating the next step of our life’s that inspires. I took one last look around me that night before moving on, and noticed something. Now my version of this story is something I imagined in my own head, a little story I created with two characters. What really happened that night I’ll never know, but it seemed fitting at that moment. A girl was crossing the street, quickly putting distance between herself and whatever she had left on the corner. Her quick movements were what caught my eye, since everyone else around her moved with a casual air. As she got to the other side, she slowly turned around and looked back to the other corner. Standing there was a boy, who looked lonely and wounded on that city street corner. His eyes watched her as she stared solemnly at him. She gave him one last lingering gaze and turned away from him, and took a confident step down the street, disappearing into the mass of people. I looked back at the boy, who was still standing there. It could have been 10 minutes, it could have been 3 seconds, but the world seemed to stop for that boy, till he too finally turned and walked away into the masses. I’ve heard quite a few times that we move to big cities for dreams, for love. To me, we go to find ourselves, and it seemed to me that this girl picked herself, picked her life instead of whatever romance tale she had created with said boy. While love is important in life, sometimes it’s beneficial to look around you and see what life has to offer. This lookbook, The Tango of Two Cities is my expression and creative child of this story. The story of girls in urban cities, the tango they dance as they spin their worlds into existence.

I love this weather

that is all

My opinion, and only mine

If you asked me what my religion is, I would say Christian. If you asked me if I believe in God, I would answer with a resounding yes. If someone asked of my view on life, faith and hope are two of the factors that brings me peace and balance and I am never shy or afraid to tell someone that.

That being said, many people have opinions on how you should live your life. Things you should abstain from, things you should rejoice in etc. I respect everyone's religion, opinions and views on life - because that is their life, not mine. I do not believe as human beings we have any right whatsoever to tell someone they are wrong. However, I am very tired of people telling me about sins, about right and wrong - like they actually have the authority to tell me these things.

If I offend anyone with this post then I'm sorry, but this is my opinion and it does not have to be yours. I believe in God. Does that mean I need to abstain from drinking? That I need to abstain from having sex? That I must dress a certain way, or speak a certain way? That I must constantly feel GUILT every time I do something that is not of the proper order?

Do not question my life, do not lecture me on sex. Sex is a beautiful thing, and though I tried with all my might to convince myself to believe it was for marriage only - alas I can not. Love is not something that is based solely off marriage. I believe love of many shapes and sizes will grace your life many times, and sex is apart of that cycle. I do not see it as a bad thing, I wasn't raised that way. I do not see having a couple of drinks out with friends deems me any less fit to have faith than another person.

To me, life is about kalos kai agathos - the balance of the good & the beautiful. The balance between life and God. I choose how I live that life, and I feel no guilt for that.

I need coffee

thoughts

I haven't been to church in almost 4 months - I'm not sure what happened...

nuggets of wisdom

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”

It might seem silly to find little quotes of wisdom from a book about someone else's journey through finding herself as well as the balance between life & God but there are pieces of this book that just make sense. There are many times I wish I could take back things I've said or done, but in the end that is not possible. Choosing though, to pay more attention to the things I can control makes me feel a little better. 

Vacation was amazing, it was much needed and I feel rested and refreshed. Life is good.

following my own advice

I wrote this in July - and somehow it rings true once again.

This life is yours, no matter what anyone tells you - you have this one life that you're responsible for living. Its your decision to make it what it is, circumstances can not make you, you can change things if needed. Just whatever you do, wherever you end up - remember to follow your instinct. So move on, smile radiantly, and have some damn fun.

Disappointment

this too shall pass

Graduation Present

Next summer I will finally get to venture outside the US - to either England or Australia for my college graduation present. THANK YOU :]

12 days till vacation

Single

To a lot of people, single isn't the greatest of words and for as long as I can remember I've always had someone. Even now, I'm not completely alone. But I am single, since my relationships over the past few years have had a way of not working out. For once though, I'm ok with this. Being single doesn't need to be a curse, and it doesn't need to be something that is negative in my life.

Because really....who am I? I'm not a teenager anymore, technically I'm an adult, though I'll admit I don't really feel like one. I'm in limbo - between the world of college and the world outside of college. In 7 short months, which I am sure will fly by without abandon, the world of college will end and it will be time to leave that limbo, which is something I'm waiting for.

As for the dating part, one day I'm sure it will be something I want, something that I'm excited about. But maybe in this chapter of my life its just not meant to be.

Rides Again

Eat, Pray, Love

The Bhagavad Gita - an ancient Indian Yogic text - says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. So now I have started living my own life. Imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly.

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and no let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

God dwells within you, as you.

If there is one holy truth of this Yoga, that line encapsulates it. God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are. God isn't interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves. We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality. This is a classic example of what they call in the East "wrong-thinking." To know God, you need only to renounce one thing - your sense of division from God. Otherwise, just stay as you were made, within your natural character.

Higher than a satellite

you make everything seem more beautiful
laughter fills the air
smiles crossing lips are second nature
never knew it could be so simple
never thought life could be so easy

all we ever had to do was stop thinking and let go
and breathe, just breathe.

Life Choices

Trying to decide where you want to go in life is not an easy decision. I feel like I have a million conversations in my head going back and forth over the pros and the cons of leaving here. I have my family & my friends here, my life, I'm comfortable here, I love Northern California.

Yet what opportunities do I have? Of course I can find something in San Francisco, but is it where I need to be?

I don't love Southern California, its not a place that I fit in, and the lifestyle is not one that I follow. However, there are more jobs there, and one of my best friends is there offering a home by the beach and a peaceful existence at least in our home.

Then there's the rest of the world....London, New York, Rome...all I need to do is decide where it is I'm going. But making that decision is terrifying, I love home but I'm ready for a change. So I guess the best way to figure this out is to have faith. It's really the only way to ever go down the right road.

Hermosa Beach

Considering moving to Hermosa Beach and working in LA...hmmmmmmm.

Natalia Kills

I've been played around
Love has let me down
Tore my feelings out

I know I need to be rewired
I want to love again
Don't think my heart is just a hard drive
I'm just malfunctioning

Show me how to love,
Show me where to start,
Activate my heart

Show me how to love
Show me where to touch
Teach me how to smile

I came equipped with all the same parts
I'm not just megabytes
So hold me close while I push restart
So I can love you right

King of Anything: Sara Bareilles

Thoughts

someone who's opinion I've come to value over the years said something that struck a cord the other day.

He said that living life by societies opinion & rules was where he thought he would always end up, that road would be the one he took.

But that somewhere along that path he realized that he would rather live his life by his words, by his opinion, his rules.

---

I'm not perfect, in fact...I'm pretty fucked up sometimes. I can be 23 going on 40 half the time, and other times I feel like a small creature ripping at anything and everything. I'm messy, emotional and I yell when I get upset or mad. I get mad when people disappoint me. Someone once told me not to expect anything from others because then they wouldn't ever disappoint me...but I think that's a horrible way to look at people. I'm loud, I'm a bit dark & twisted sometimes. As I said...I'm just not perfect.

But through all of that, learning the bad that is me that goes along with the good, I've learned that I don't need to apologize for that. It's simply who I am, it doesn't make it always a good thing...but who else am I supposed to be? Because along with all that bad, there are some really amazing and good things about who I am. Those are the things I treasure, the things that those who love me know me for. And I know that the people that accept me for me, the real me...are the one's that will always be worth fighting for. The others...well some people aren't meant to last forever are they?

Love and Other Disasters

Found this movie from a British director, and it was surprisingly good. My favorite quote is below, and it somehow makes a lot of sense.

"Maybe true love is a decision. A decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to that somebody without worrying if they'll give back or if they're going to hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe true love isn't something that happens to you, its something you have to choose."

Cooking time

I used to cook a lot - and lately I've been lagging on that.

SO I decided at least once a week I'm going to find a new recipe and try it out. Last night was the 1st attempt & it turned out delicious if I say so myself.

Crispy Fried Fish Tacos


Ingredients: [This is for 12 tacos, I made a much smaller recipe since there's only 2 of us]

1. 1/2 cup mayonnaise
2. 1/4 cup hoisin sauce
3. 2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
4. 1 1/2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
5. 1 cup all-purpose flour
6. 1 teaspoon garlic powder
7. 1 teaspoon onion powder
8. 1 tablespoon kosher salt
9. 1 teaspoon freshly ground white pepper
10. 1 pound tilapia fillets, cut into 4-by-1-inch strips
11. 2 large eggs, beaten
12. 3 cups panko (Japanese bread crumbs)
13. 3 cups vegetable oil, for frying
14. 12 corn tortillas, warmed
15. Shredded green cabbage, lettuce leaves, cilantro and sliced scallions, for serving

  
Directions:

1. In a bowl, whisk the mayonnaise with the hoisin sauce, pickle relish and lemon juice.
2. In a large resealable plastic bag, combine the flour, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and white pepper. Seal the bag and shake. Add the fish and shake to coat.
3. Put the eggs and panko in separate shallow bowls. Dip the fish in the egg and then in the panko. Transfer the fish to a wax paper–lined platter.
4. In a large, deep skillet, heat the oil to 350°. Add half of the fish and fry over moderate heat, turning once, until golden, about 3 minutes. Drain the fish on a paper towel–lined platter. Repeat with the remaining fish. Serve the fish in the tortillas, passing the hoisin mayonnaise, cabbage, lettuce, cilantro and scallions for serving. 

It was REALLY good, the sauce sounded a little weird to me at 1st but it ended up really making the taco.

LIBERTY WALK

If you asked me a year ago if I thought I would be here now, I most likely would not have believed you.
I was wrapped up in what was right and what was not, so much so that I buried a lot of myself.

To anyone who actually reads this thing - if you ever take anything from the nonsense that I write here - take this.

This life is yours, no matter what anyone tells you - you have this one life that you're responsible for living. Its your decision to make it what it is, circumstances can not make you, you can change things if needed. Just whatever you do, wherever you end up - remember to follow your instinct. We know what we need to do deep down, we just let the noise of the world drown out our real desires and dreams. Never let someone else tell you your dream isn't what you want, what do they know? Being a victim to this life will leave you regretful when it comes to an end. So move on, smile radiantly, and have some damn fun.

southern nights

summers heady nights
sweat slowly sliding down your back
fireflys sparkling across the fields
breathing in the air that dare not cools

Swinging on a porch swing
drinking lemonade
Laughter and music swelling from nearby farms
someone playing a guitar

Night time sky
stars all a twinkling
not a car in site
cept for a tractor here and there

The South
hot, homemade, heady
makes your blood boil
and your head spin

No place like it really
once it captures you though
makes you never wanna come home

Beaverdam Virginia

Tomorrow at 5am I'm leaving my beautiful sunny California for the east coast. Virginia to be more exact - to spend a week on a farm with my grandparents. I'm excited to be getting out of here and to relax a little, but living in farm country for more than a day or two is a little hard sometimes :]

Some peace and quiet - maybe it won't be so bad.

So far

Things have a way of working themselves out for the best. I of course seriously doubt a couple of people would really agree with some of my decisions lately - I'm not really concerned about it.

I've been having fun, SO much fun. I haven't laughed this much in awhile, my body feels alive. I LOVE summer. On Saturday I leave for Virginia to see the grandparents, which I'm very excited to do. When I get back, school starts but even that doesn't bother me much right now.

After this qtr - 2 more to go. I can't believe that! I am almost done with college - and let me tell you, that is an amazing feeling.

I think I finally found my balance, I feel like the old me again - with some major improvements from everything I've learned over the past 2 years. I grew up, I dealed with change, and now I'm excited to see what else happens.

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Amen to that. Happy <3

Season 5 Episode 19: Elevator Love Letter

If there's a crisis you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse, you've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty, its not a flaw, its a strength. It makes you who you are.

Trauma always leaves a scar, it follows us home, it changes our life's. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear, the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us going forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up...before we can step up.

Season 5 Episode 17: I will follow you into the dark

Every person has a shadow. And the only way to get rid of the shadow is to turn off the lights. To stop running from the darkness and face what you fear. Head on.

The Ladder - Andrew Belle

The old, the present, whats next?

Somehow, somewhere, I lost myself.

Balance. I need balance. I love this life, and happiness can be overrated - but I want overrated. I want happy. I want to laugh & smile. And I don't want people to walk all over me anymore. I let it happen, its no one's fault but my own. I don't want gossip and drama to resonate in all these friendships. I don't want to feel as if the people I love the most take me forgranted almost every day. There needs to be balance - between the old me and the new me. I need to care about my own life and wants, as well as caring for others and always being there to help.

I'm sorry, it doesn't mean I'm leaving you, I'm not - I just need to make sure I don't lose myself in you.

shhh, sit down and let me tell you a story

its the story of a girl, a girl who was so lost she didn't know which way was up or which way was down. Now you might think this is a sad story, but its not. It's one of the happiest stories I know. now shh, sit down and let me tell you a story.

cyn·i·cal (sn-kl)
adj.
1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns;
2. Selfishly or callously calculating
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness:
4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity:

Cynical, it was her favorite word besides jaded. She relished those words, harbored those feelings and let them feed into who she was. If anyone asked why she was that way she would laugh, and say pain, suffering, being twisted inside is healthy, it gives you a good dose of reality. So it was reality that she craved? She often wondered, but for all those people that found peace and happiness in life she felt nothing towards. For all they were were stupid little minions who thought love and laughter could solve all that torture and pain inside. Pssh what did they know? THEY KNEW NOTHING.

Years wore on, it got worse. It got so bad that the very thought of love, marriage, children, it all was a burden. Something that could not be bothered with, because her life, HER needs were so much more important. Now - why was this little girl like this? Didn't anyone love her? Yes, actually many people tried to love her, but she pushed them away with so much force they eventually would stop trying. Leaving her alone, without people who actually cared for her, and instead left her in the hands of people like herself, rotting and ugly inside.

It was a miracle, a series of miracles that saved this little girl from herself. The details are not as important as the message of life this story brings. Through LOVE, really only through love did she change. Love of God, of a man, of family, friends, clear summer days, her grandma's cooking, the smell of cookies in the oven....silly little things really. That made her realize just how precious this life we have is. Yes, one day we will go to Heaven and be with God, but she now understood the importance of accepting her life on Earth as well. While so much of life here is ugly and horrible, there are those things that make it worth while. There is beauty everywhere - you only need to look for it.

Love, such a simple word - yet it has the ability to change a person. While there are many that run from it, are terrified of letting themselves feel that, it will get you now where but misery and pain. Misery and pain, those are not your friends. They might make you feel, but its the wrong kind of feeling. As time wore on, she realized all of this. Life is hard, but you have to choose to NOT be the victim of the master of this Earth, and instead choose to rise above it and fight for life, fight for love and fight for yourself. There will be those that will always catch you when you fall, that will never leave you - but to a point, the only person that can save you from yourself....is yourself.

Now child, do you understand the point of the story? It's quite simple, so I'll tell you one more time. As you get older life will become dreary, it will become old. Find beauty, treasure it, love it, it will heal your soul, it will enable you to live.

Sometimes tired doesn’t come close
Exhausted maybe?
Maybe…
It’s always something, there really never seems to be a break
When all I really want in this life
Is to just be at peace
To close my eyes and breathe in sweet fresh air
To sit on a porch swing and watch the sun disappear behind the hills
To watch my grandchildren playing in the grass
To see that sweet old man I married 40 years ago
Smile at me from his chair on the porch.
Sometimes tired doesn’t come close
Exhausted maybe?
Maybe…

I haven’t written much lately – just little things that come to mind. I still don’t really feel like writing much – life is good though. Tiring…yes of course. I’ve made a few mistakes lately, and as much as they make me mad at myself I need to let them go. I just need to focus again – that’s what came of my prayers last night. Before I was focused, lately I’ve just been going through things spontaneously. While that spontaneity hasn’t been a bad thing in all instances – it has in others. I’m 23 as of Friday – no longer a kid by any means. I want to enjoy my life, have fun, however going out so much is not that answer to those needs or wants. I think its because I’m so sick of school, of work…I really wish I was at the end of all this. Only 9 more months to go…I just need to get over it and wait it out :]

When your life is tangled
You wear your disguises
But why do you need to
When I'm standing here beside you?

You can lay your head down
And we'll leave it til tomorrow

<3 La Roux

at night I pray - for you, for me, for the world, for this life. I know He hears me - one day.

i want laughter, can't breathe crying laughter. it makes everything better :)  

that and cookie dough

Mystery of you

You always said we'd meet again
You always said you'd be here

You touch the deepest part of me
The places I could not save
Just tell me why I’m so dark inside

Somewhere, I will find
All the pieces torn apart, you just left behind
In your mystery

Somewhere I will see
All you taken from me
All you kept deep inside
In the mystery of you

It’s obvious you understand the blood that on my hands
I’m paralyzed, I can’t escape
Until I see your face
You’re all I know

You’re all I know
Don’t go...

this life

is crazy, chaotic, silly, stupid & lovely all at the same time

She's got both hands
in her pockets.
And she wont look at you,
Won't look at you

She hides true love.
En su bolsillo
She's got a halo around her finger.
Around you.

this life...

I know I sound like a broken record - but I want this part of my life to be over SO badly I'm letting it totally ruin any chance of it being enjoyable. I hate going to school, I hate going to work. I want to graduate - I want to actually work at a job that means something. I wish people would stop judging me for being successful, I wish people would just leave me alone.

See...the more I type the more negative I get. I don't want to feel this way, I know who I need to ask for help since there really is only one way to overcome these things. Yet there's some part of me that feels like I should be justified in this frustration. I need to get it together - graduation will come, the job will come, the husband and kids will come. All in good time, if only time didn't drive me so crazy...

sigh

God please take this anger, for it has no room in my heart yet for some reason it clings to me like a lost child. Just make it stop.

4/7/2008

I love you daddy, see you one day

The end of an era...almost

School starts tomorrow...and when the clock strikes 12...in about 6 mins...my last spring break ever will have ended. Normally I don't care about spring break, I really don't even care about it now. Its just that the realization of my last one, of college ending before the next week of "fun" is supposed to commence is a strange feeling.

I'll be 23 next month, I'm a senior in college, I'm even thinking about my senior project already. Life is moving, fast. Its not waiting for me anymore, not waiting for me to catch up. I'm terrified but I'm excited. I really wonder where this life will take me, what plans God has for me. What I can do with this world I live on, what impact can truly be made. What will make me laugh in 5 years, or make me cry in 10. Whether I'll be here, working happily in my little San Francisco....or in New York over looking Central Park. Will I still be who I am in 10 year, even 5? Will I still be a complete dweeb and laugh over the silliest things? Will I be happy with where I end up?

There are so many questions that one can ask, but it always seems like those questions are the ones that go unanswered. However, I know that the greatest man has my best interest at heart, that His love will always shower over me. His guidance showing me where I need to go, with faith I know this world has potential. It's just my job to find it.

Hillsong United: Salvation is Here

Love him, if only he didn't live in another country :]  He's so amazingly talented

Disheartened

I slowly walk from the room knowing its the last time I shall see his face
Sadly, this story is over
I knew it had to end, knew it would come one day
However that knowledge doesn't make it any less painful

I'll remember him always
in the depths of mind, in the dreams of slumber
wherever the world takes life, so he shall be there
on the edge of existence

the room fades to black
the short gasps of breathe fill the darkness
the reality of this begins to take shape
yet how much more could one endure?
how much more can one suffer?

pulling away was the hardest thing to do
yet sometimes the own state of your existence becomes more important than another
with insanity creeping up on your mind like a sick little creature
showing its power, taunting you
making a choice is the only option you have
no longer is this a game that takes willing participants

blindness
it happens to us all
accepted and noted
understood to say the least

where now?
no idea
He'll show me the way, He always does


Note: these are just words, not really about anyone in particular - its what came out while I was listening to La petite fille de la mer by Vangelis

Author Unknown

Love, she said, should be said more slowly, and ran from the house.  Words could not catch her as such.  Honesty is so slow, that is the trouble.

making random things

I didn't find any earrings I liked for my formal company party tomorrow night...so I made my own!

Survival

I did it, I survived the torture that was finals. Spring break is officially mine & I'm thrilled with that. This week has been incredibly hard, actually about the last 5 weeks have been hard. I think I might be able to slow down and move on past them now...hopefully relaxing on the beach next week will cure any lingering feelings.

I had to put my little kitty to sleep, he wasn't even 2 yet and he had kidney failure. I loved that little furry thing, he made me laugh. Death really does not set well with me - my dad's 2 year mark is almost here....t minus 13 days and counting....

On another note, small group last night was really good. I enjoy my time with those guys, its allowing me to get to know people other than my main group of friends at church & I think that's a really good thing. Phil asked last night what we thought was our calling in life, what we we're supposed to do with our careers etc. I answered with something that's been on my mind a lot the past 6 months or so...I used to be so concerned with my career - where I was going & being successful. While that's still important there is something so much more important that God has revealed to me....being the best wife and eventually mother that I can possibly be. I know that might seem like a 50's housewife....but to me there isn't anything I'd rather do more, besides serving God for the rest of my life. I WANT to take care of my husband, to be by his side and always be there for him. To help him with his walk with God, to encourage along the way. I WANT to raise beautiful little children who worship God, who understand what it means to love. Not saying that I don't want a successful career doing what I love, I do! I just know that I can do both, but that being a mother and wife is more important that work. I know God is trying to prepare me for this - and I don't always go willingly. Many times I just want to be a kid, to be irresponsible and not worry about things. However, I really see that point in my life starting to fade. I have 9 classes left of college, 9 classes left till everything will start changing. This I know...I have 1 year...

Anyways....just random thoughts. I'm glad summer is almost here, I need the sun to cure me. Winter is such a drag, I need sunshine & heat!

PS: thank you always for the laughs, they make my heart better

As one little life passes on...

another feels pain.

Velva Jean learns to drive

The funny thing is that until I was saved I never knew what it was like to be lost. Afterward, I could point on the calendar to July 22, 1933, as the day when everything changed.

Finals...

ever have that moment where you're sitting at the dining room table SURROUNDED by papers, a laptop, cups of cold coffee, paint, glue, packaging materials, jewelry crap for your final, and about 5 USB sticks and you just want to CRY??

yea, well that was me last night. No matter how much I got done, there was still SO much more to finish. Can I actually finish all this work by the due date? I'll let you know on the 24th of March.

Today...

I found a quote that I really liked...

"The most difficult thing - but an essential one - is to love life, to love it even while one suffers. Because life is all. Life is God. And to love life means to love God."

I also think this has got to be the cutest ring ever, so old school 1950's <3

Current silly obsessions

1. Etsy.com
2. Escape the Fate - seriously awesome freaking band
3. Drum covers on youtube
4. Actually just drums right now. Double kicks in "hard to see" by five finger death punch are beyond sick
5. my newly jailbroken itouch - should have done that one sooner

Silly meaningless things, but they make late night homework procrastination a lot easier.

What gets the most attention?

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:18

This verse stood out to me because I think it shows faith. We fix our eyes on what is unseen, we fix our eyes on God. We have faith that He is there even though we can not see him. It shows us that what we see now, the world, is temporary. That we should always realize that the world is momentary while His kingdom is eternal.

Not saying that we should always focus everything on His kingdom, living the life we have here is also essential. We have work to do here, we have to show the world His love and wisdom.

So this got me thinking about how WE see our life’s here.

Every day we should live with the attitude that good things will happen. We know that God’s plans for us are good, we know He’s there for us. Yet there are so many times that life gets a hold of you and shakes that attitude and brings anger or sadness – it makes things look ugly.

So what does our faith expect every day of our life’s? We must look through the eyes of faith and start seeing ourselves how God sees us. Start seeing ourselves according to the inheritance...we don't have to talk to God into it, He's already made provision for us.

You can choose to focus on the things that are subject to change OR you can choose to focus on those things that are eternal, the things that are for God, His plans for our life’s. What things get the most attention in your life?

Which is why I think we must first change what we SEE, what we’re looking at before we can change how we live.

last night

I had a dream about you...

I've never really dreamed of you like that before, I still don't know where you are...but I just wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you.

Most importantly my heart is with you, so when your ready to come claim it, it'll be here.

True love is intentional

Pastor Jeff had a really inspiring sermon yesterday - and I thought I would share what I learned from it with the few of you that read this little blog...

True love is in fact not a feeling, though the world claims it to be that fuzzy feeling we have inside when that special someone is in our life's. I believe that really is not the case. Have you ever wondered why they call it "falling in love" like we have no choice in the matter. That we have to fall face first into it? What happens when you fall out of love as so many in this world claim to do? Falling implies that you have no choice in making a decision to love that person or not - so is that why so many people just decide they don't love a person anymore?

True love is not a feeling, it does not fade with time. It does not waver with new found discoveries, nor does it judge others. True love is unconditional, it is a decision to love someone through everything, the good & the bad, the problems & the arguments. The imperfections & the things that bug you. The things that make you treasure them, their faith, their love, their life. True love is intentionally caring & helping others, regardless of the cost or consequences to oneself. So when you make that decision...realize that its not a feeling, that love, its a choice to love unconditionally no matter what.

He gave his life for us...THAT is unconditional love. We in no way deserved that, yet because He loved us we now have a chance to do the same and love the way we were meant to. No more fickle romances, no more looking for the better person. God will give you that person you are meant to love when you both are ready, but once He gives you that - realize how precious that is. That person was MADE for you by God himself, he molded the two of you so you complete each other. Loving unconditionally is the decision at hand, and I think that would be...and will be one of the best decisions we ever make.

Combo Deal

Thanks to a certain someone bugging me – I combined the 2 blogs I had. One was for important things, talking about God and what’s happened in my life. The other was about fashion, where I was traveling and much more…well trivial stuff. I didn’t really think the 2 mixed well so I kept them separate.

But that made me realize that they in fact do go together. Those 2 blogs contain things that are a part of my life, so it might as well all be in one single place.

I’m incredibly busy at work right now because its quarter end and I have so much work to do I can barely think straight – but I’ll write something soon enough. I don’t know if it’ll be about silly stuff or about God – but I guess we’ll just have to see.

I love when I find Christian bands that seriously rock it out hard. I have ALWAYS been a rock baby, my father raised me on Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath, Tool - all of that. One of my biggest struggles when I first stopped listening to secular music as much as I used to was finding music that actually fit my taste. I love the classic worship songs and singing them is a peaceful experience. However I really LOVE when I find some metal or rock band that is singing their lungs out about God. It's amazing to me, and the guitars and drums...its just what I love. I told my friend the other day my perfect man would be someone in a Christian rock band :] A rocker boy that shares my love for music with a heart for Christ, what a combination huh :]

Anyways, I found this band RED. So good, seriously love everyone of their songs. This video struck home though because I feel like it embodies what so many of us struggle with. It's about the good and the bad WITHIN ourselves, not a battle with others, but with you. Your demons, your mistakes, your sins and falling, but that it can't win when you have God on your side.

The fashion world forever changes...

Alexander McQueen is gone. Hearing that news this morning was horribly devastating to all of us in the fashion world. He was a visionary, an extraordinary human being that created beautiful artwork out of clothing. He was the "hooligan" of the fashion industry, never conforming and always doing as he saw fit. He will be missed greatly, I wish I could have had the chance to meet him in this lifetime...he was an inspiration to us all and he always will be.

add to the list

List of things I need to get my hands on:

1. REALLY old copy of Alice in Wonderland
2. The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent. from 1820
3. The black & white cardigan off modcloth

Taking it back

Even though that pesky groundhog saw its shadow and graced us with 6 more weeks of winter, I can't help but sit here and dream about the warm sun and the flowers blooming. The fact that I can go outside in open toed shoes and not get soaked, the return of color, of my very apparent lack of tan. But with a new season I'd like to bring on a new me. Fashion wise I haven't evolved too much - I still love my black - with love being kind of an obsession. I still wear simple pieces, keep it pretty safe when it comes to things and usually only allowing color when it comes to my accessories and my purses.

SO. this spring/summer I am going to try very hard to move away from that style. I want to be a bit more vintage, bring back the dresses, the pearls, the fun of the 50's. Dresses are the perfect garment to wear when you can't figure it out - throw it on and the outfit is made. So once April hits I will be a very happy girl <3

Have a little faith

This world isn't always a pretty place. Everyone is so concerned with themselves that most of the time we don't see sorrow and pain when it's staring us down. Even I do it from time to time. I wish as a whole, as a world, that we could have love and compassion to all. To not care that we are separated by class, race, religion, cultures...and just realize how lucky we are to have life, to wake up and breathe, and to have the choice to love. Because if every guy that wanted to be a player and just run over girls hearts like it was a game, if girls learned how to love themselves and have more self respect, if the government would just stop arguing over who's right and who's wrong, if we just learned to all love...like Jesus did for us...maybe then this world would look a little less gray, a little less sad and bring hope, faith and love to us all.

???

My heart hurts. An actual physical pain. Sometimes I can't stop repeating this one sentence in my head. I can't stop hearing he's dead. Even though I've dealt with this, accepted my grief and that reality...sometimes it haunts me and refuses to go away. It makes it hard to breathe, lingering on that thought. Hearing the finality of it, the fact that its so irrovocably true, that nothing can never change that 1 statement. I'm terrified. I still don't know how to survive without him, still have not figured out how to do this on my own. Can't get over the fact that everything for the rest of my life will be forever bittersweet because there is a huge piece of my life missing. I fully believe this doesn't get easier as time passes, to me it gets harder. Each day adding more distance and more time away from him.

This is just my way of saying I love you. And I miss you. And I love you, even though you are dead, and my love for you has no place to go now. And I love you even though I can't hear you anymore. And I love you, without any even thoughs. I want you to know that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be ok.

I just wish I could have my father back...

OH JEWELRY...

So I’m pretty excited right now. I just spent over a $100 on things to make jewelry with because my lovely Product Development teacher informed us that our final is going to be making 3 sets of jewelry [4 pieces each] that can be mixed and matched but also need to be inspired by a designers Spring 2010 line. On top of that, we have to use masculine & feminine pieces in the jewelry – the masculine coming from your local Home Depot or Lowe’s…OK then…

I can do this, I’ve already got some really cool ideas but I have no idea if I can actually pull them off. I guess we’ll see.

However I did find an AMAZING designer who I didn’t even know existed and her spring 2010 line was perfection. I would wear everything she made. Really, if I could afford all of it I would buy it all <3

Collette Dinnigan Spring/Summer 2010 Line




Her inspiration was Alice in Wonderland - which I love. So my jewelry has to fit Collette's style and incorporate Alice. I think this is going to get interesting...

Looking out the window..

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.
- A A Milne

Blind

I'm sick and tired of the mess you made me

I've let go, finally over you

This drama that you put me through

I'm better all alone

It's last call & its gotten old...

OHH NEW ORLEANS

In about a month, I will be in New Orleans...I am so excited I can hardly wait that long. All I want to do is see the french quarter, the garden district, hear the jazz music, eat Cajun food, see all the crazy floats and walk around the cemeteries.

When you learn something new

Winter retreat was a very special end to 2009. This year has been simply amazing in more ways than I can ever explain, from finding God to the people who now grace my existence… its almost impossible to remember my life before all of this. He opened my eyes, He showed me His love and even though I still have far to go, I know I’ve grown so much already. Facing the world and what it has to offer you is seriously the biggest challenge I’ve ever undertaken. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, it is so much easier to give in and not care than it is to stand up and say no. God didn’t make me weak for a reason, and that’s something I need to remember. I have that strength to stand up and say no, He gave it to me. Nothing against Him can win, there is no competition. Yet the world still continues to call to me and I know that will always be the way it is, I knew the world for such a long time that part of it will always call to my sinful side. I choose to overcome that obstacle though, since I can give it power or not.

The biggest thing I got from winter retreat was something I wasn’t really expecting. When I asked about my future, about what to do about my feelings, my desires, my wants. I was told that some things are better left unsaid until the time is right. If the time is not right then the words can hold nothing more than selfish confirmations of what we want but can not have [at least not yet] Patience will bring what I desire, and living my life without worrying about him for now.

God is beautiful <3