and with those words my heart is set free

God has blessed me so much that I find it hard to believe sometimes – but I know he can do anything so I try not to question it. I just heard the guy I used to care for tell me he found someone, and I was genuinely happy for him when he told me. I used to think that would just kill me if I ever heard those words – but it was quite the opposite. I also see that my heart belongs to another and I’m so happy it is. We weren’t right for each other in numerous ways and now maybe we can actually be friends. It’s a great feeling honestly and I’m so excited that I am able to handle things the way I do now. It’s such a blessing that God’s given me and I will forever be grateful because I know he has something amazing planned for me.

An update

Things have been going good lately - I no longer feel the ever present dread of failing anymore. I finally realized what was making me feel that way and I've just put complete trust in God. If I'm doing something wrong he will convict me - and he already has on some things. I was able to stand up in class during our religion discussion last week and say I believe in God - that Christianity is my religion and that I am not nor ever will be ashamed of that. [its amazing how many people don't believe - or want to but say they can't believe in something that has no proof - I just say well you have to have faith and believing is easy after that] I feel at peace - its a great feeling and I'm glad I've finally gotten here.

I'm trying to be patient with things and not anger quickly but sometimes its so hard. I need to learn how to control my temper and my emotions - and I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now but I prayed last night for help with this. I know God can help me with these reactions of mine - I just wish I didn't get so easily frustrated.

But - at least I'm moving in like 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited :]

Faith

To “keep” the faith, (and also to grow in it) one must use it. Faith is not meant to be passive; it strives on calamities, weaknesses, shortcomings and all things that we are afraid off and seem impossible. The most destitute soul on the face of this earth is one that lost hope, faith is framed by it. Keep in mind that your instinct, intellect or wisdom will not suffice for faith. It is faith which ultimately triumphs and it’s faith that introduces and pushes you to love. Only in love, your faith is really made free. It's like a ship, although safe in a harbor, that isn't why it was made. Faith needs you to trust, cut the ropes and push away. Only then you will allow God to take the helm of your life, and once you experience that, you will look for open waters, and pray for the wind, not calm…