Another crossroad

Last night was a difficult one for me, I felt like I let down myself, my friends and above all God. Not because I actually did anything wrong but because I was thinking about doing something I know is a huge mistake. Being a girl in this world is hard enough, being a girl and fighting off men because of God can be almost impossible at times. The thought "well just one more time wouldn't hurt would it?" actually ran through my mind, I was sitting there telling him maybe because I wasn't sure what to do. That word is a dangerous one, maybe...it can lead to so many things that you know shouldn't happen. You're leaving the door open just a crack, but sometimes thats all they need to get it wide open.

What I'm about to write is for all girls out there because we've all gone through this; especially if you've been sexually active and are now trying not to be. Giving up on the guy that you've been with for a long time is hard; it will seem impossible at times but I do believe it is possible. I'm not even to the point where I can say I'm over him, that I could see him and feel nothing because sometimes all those feelings come rushing back to me. You have to know though that what most of us are doing is not love, in fact it has nothing to do with love. Sleeping with someone when you don't even love them is so hurtful to God - that wasn't what he made it for. Sometimes you have to give up the things you really want, I really want him...I wish he was the right guy but I know deep down he isn't nor will he ever be. Part of turning your life around means getting rid of the things that prevent you from living a godly life; it might be hard but its worth it in the end.

So I called SB..hanging out with her was an amazing help, she understood what I was talking about when it comes to people you've had feelings for. She also helped me realize that again I was about to make a big mistake if I gave into him because after I would regret it horribly. So once again I feel like I hit a crossroad and I almost went down the wrong path but with the will of God and 2 amazing friends I went down the right one.

-Steph

Dear God,

I just wrote an entire blog entry and as I was reading it over I realized that all I was saying was how I wished this and that and how I wanted to just believe as the others do. To not see the temptations that are in front of me and to not second guess your plans for my life.

well...

I get it, I just need to let it go and I can be like the others. I need to choose to not see the temptations...and if I do see them I need to not act on them. If I want to live a godly life then I need to take the steps to get there.

I know this is going to be a hard path to follow in the ways of turning my back on what I've known for years into a life that I know in my heart is the right thing. I guess I just need to trust my heart and you...that I will get this right and that I will make mistakes but that I'll always get back up and come back to you because I love you and you give my life meaning. I was in a dark place before you and I see the beautiful light of love when I think of you. You've made me believe again, you've made me see who I can truly be if I let you take me there.

Thank you for being there with me through this all, I will make this...I promise.

-Steph

Where to start..

I tried this whole blogging thing once before and it never really took off for me; I got easily bored with the idea of updating it all the time for only a few people to read. This time though the goal of my blogging is quite different. Writing has always been something that has helped me work through things and at the the moment I feel as if I'm at the biggest crossroads of my life. I've always called myself a Christian, I used to go to church in high school and I love God. However, I really had no right to call myself a Christian because I wasn't showing any obedience to God. After high school I felt like I could do anything without any consequences - college life consumed who I was. I began drinking heavily and even experimenting with weed; I began having physical relationships with guys that I didn't love. In the eyes of many I was just a normal college kid; just having some fun while I was still young. In 2007 my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my drinking spiraled out of control. I began to drink to drown out the feelings I was having and I thought I could run from the reality of the situation. After a few months of this I realized what I was doing and that I needed to be strong for my dad and becoming an alcoholic was not the way to do that. I stopped drinking for 8 months after that; after 8 months I slowly starting to socially drink with my friends again but I felt it was ok because I wasn't losing control this time. All the while I was continuing to have boyfriends that didn't mean much and sleeping with them; still being a normal college kid in the eyes of my friends and even family...

My father passed away April 7th 2008 - my life from that point was a downward spiral till very recently. The drinking came back hardcore, I would black out every time I picked up the bottle. I became a person I to this day do not recognize; I hit one of my best friends in the face, I would cry and scream, it was not a proud part of my life. On November 7th 2008 I put myself in a situation that could have killed me...I drove intoxicated. I crashed into a tree and I fully believe the only reason I am here typing this is because my father and God saved me. None of the police or people there could believe that I was alive and that all I had were cuts, bruises and a broken ankle. That was the beginning for me...my 1st revelation that something needed to change.

God brought me back to one of my old friends from high school who had found God and had turned his life around. Listening to him was one of the most amazing things I ever witnessed in my life so far. How someone could believe so much and love God so much; it was inspiring. I thought about how I always said I loved God - but in comparison to this my love was practically a lie. It's been almost 2 months since I've started letting God back into my life and the things he's already done for me are indescribable. I have much to learn and many more things to learn but it's something I'm trying to commit myself to fully.

I'm almost done reading the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris - its changed a lot of views I used to have on the whole dating world. While the idea of doing what Joshua says is something incredibly difficult for me to process half the time; I envy the people who have done it. Not dating till your ready for marriage because if your not ready to marry someone you have no business dating them. It's selfish and will only hurt you and the other person involved in the long run. The hardest part of everything would be the physical aspect of not dating. Not sleeping with someone till marriage is God's will; following that will is an all out war inside of me. If you asked me a few months ago if I would ever wait till marriage to sleep with my husband I would have laughed in your face and told you that you were crazy. How can you marry someone if you don't know how they are in bed? What if they suck!? I realize now how depressing that view of marriage is; you do NOT marry someone because the sex is good. You marry your husband or wife because that is the person God made for you to love, and I mean really love. I've decided that I want to try to put his ideas to a test in my life - to not date till I'm ready and to not to sleep with someone till I love them but that's easier said than done. I love dating...its fun and sometimes really gratifying. However I understand the point of singleness and what I should be doing with my time before marriage.

I know this is a long rambling of many different things but I feel like I need to get all this out for me to fully be able to go through this journey. I'm on the edge right now, I can one way or the other and it's a constant battle within me. My one hope is that someone somewhere stumbles upon this little blog and it saves them. I hope that people can see that you can make mistake after mistake and God will always forgive you because that's what Jesus did for us. We just have to accept him and give him our life's and he will guide us the way we were meant to be.

- Stephanie