???

My heart hurts. An actual physical pain. Sometimes I can't stop repeating this one sentence in my head. I can't stop hearing he's dead. Even though I've dealt with this, accepted my grief and that reality...sometimes it haunts me and refuses to go away. It makes it hard to breathe, lingering on that thought. Hearing the finality of it, the fact that its so irrovocably true, that nothing can never change that 1 statement. I'm terrified. I still don't know how to survive without him, still have not figured out how to do this on my own. Can't get over the fact that everything for the rest of my life will be forever bittersweet because there is a huge piece of my life missing. I fully believe this doesn't get easier as time passes, to me it gets harder. Each day adding more distance and more time away from him.

This is just my way of saying I love you. And I miss you. And I love you, even though you are dead, and my love for you has no place to go now. And I love you even though I can't hear you anymore. And I love you, without any even thoughs. I want you to know that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be ok.

I just wish I could have my father back...

OH JEWELRY...

So I’m pretty excited right now. I just spent over a $100 on things to make jewelry with because my lovely Product Development teacher informed us that our final is going to be making 3 sets of jewelry [4 pieces each] that can be mixed and matched but also need to be inspired by a designers Spring 2010 line. On top of that, we have to use masculine & feminine pieces in the jewelry – the masculine coming from your local Home Depot or Lowe’s…OK then…

I can do this, I’ve already got some really cool ideas but I have no idea if I can actually pull them off. I guess we’ll see.

However I did find an AMAZING designer who I didn’t even know existed and her spring 2010 line was perfection. I would wear everything she made. Really, if I could afford all of it I would buy it all <3

Collette Dinnigan Spring/Summer 2010 Line




Her inspiration was Alice in Wonderland - which I love. So my jewelry has to fit Collette's style and incorporate Alice. I think this is going to get interesting...

Looking out the window..

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.
- A A Milne

Blind

I'm sick and tired of the mess you made me

I've let go, finally over you

This drama that you put me through

I'm better all alone

It's last call & its gotten old...

OHH NEW ORLEANS

In about a month, I will be in New Orleans...I am so excited I can hardly wait that long. All I want to do is see the french quarter, the garden district, hear the jazz music, eat Cajun food, see all the crazy floats and walk around the cemeteries.

When you learn something new

Winter retreat was a very special end to 2009. This year has been simply amazing in more ways than I can ever explain, from finding God to the people who now grace my existence… its almost impossible to remember my life before all of this. He opened my eyes, He showed me His love and even though I still have far to go, I know I’ve grown so much already. Facing the world and what it has to offer you is seriously the biggest challenge I’ve ever undertaken. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, it is so much easier to give in and not care than it is to stand up and say no. God didn’t make me weak for a reason, and that’s something I need to remember. I have that strength to stand up and say no, He gave it to me. Nothing against Him can win, there is no competition. Yet the world still continues to call to me and I know that will always be the way it is, I knew the world for such a long time that part of it will always call to my sinful side. I choose to overcome that obstacle though, since I can give it power or not.

The biggest thing I got from winter retreat was something I wasn’t really expecting. When I asked about my future, about what to do about my feelings, my desires, my wants. I was told that some things are better left unsaid until the time is right. If the time is not right then the words can hold nothing more than selfish confirmations of what we want but can not have [at least not yet] Patience will bring what I desire, and living my life without worrying about him for now.

God is beautiful <3