Merry Christmas

This time of year is especially amazing to me this year, because its when Jesus was born. I've never fully appreciated that fact, that Christmas wasn't about presents and christmas decorations but about Jesus, to celebrate his birth. Merry Christmas to everyone <3

FOLLOW ALONG

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Dear God,

My Savior, once again I give my life to you. Without you there is nothing but this world. This world that I wish to know nothing of. All I crave is your love, your voice, your guidance. I know I still have work to do Lord, yet you forgive me with your love always. I will strive to do things in your name only, to glorify and serve you. You have shown me what I need to do & I will follow with all of my heart. I hear you God, your will is now mine. I know what you promised & I will wait patiently.

[[ no regrets, not this time. I'm gonna let me heart defeat my mind, let your love make me whole ]]


Wherever you are, I'm waiting for you. All I know is I can't wait till the day God shows you to me, and me to you. My heart longs for you, but I know His promise so I will patiently wait till you look at me with new eyes, till we're both ready to start our life. For you my love I will wait.

NEW YORK NEW YORK

How odd, I just had an extremely sudden urge to be in New York. I don't really understand the pull that city has on me, but I can say with all certainty that I love it there. So sitting here in my office in California, I'm dreaming of being in an office in New York. Will it happen one day? Maybe..I guess we'll have to see where life takes me <3

Waiting on the Lord for your soul mate...

Many people get discouraged and disheartened when they cannot find a good lasting relationship. People also try to rush a relationship because they have the opportunity to be in one. However, the Bible tells us in Psalm 27 that we need to be patient and trust in God to show us the right person to date.

Remember that the Lord knows you better than anybody and knows exactly who your soul mate is so there is no need to rush things. Have faith in the Lord and pray and when his (not yours) time is right, you will meet that person that God has made just for you and find a true long lasting, God honoring relationship.

Song of Solomon 3:1-5

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?

It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me.

I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.

OHH MERRY MERRY SHOPPING <3

1. Steve Madden Toggle Coat in Lemon Orig $168 Now $99.90 [Nordstrom]
2. Dolce Vita 'Flash' Bootie in Grey $199.95 [Nordstrom]
3. Coach "Audrey" Satchel in Periwinkle/Silver $398 [Coach]
4. Can I Buy You a Drink Dress $94.99 [Modcloth]
5. Be & D Studded Zip Around Clutch Wallet $395.00 [Nordstrom]
6. Ariella Collection Flower Ring $78.00 [Nordstrom]
7. Betsey Johnson Black Skull Ring $55.00 [Nordstrom]
8. Tarnish Lambswool Blend Infinity Scarf $38.00 [Nordstrom]

Oh how I love thee

FINALS....

so tired. eyes hurt. finals week bites the big one.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS

Inspired by another blogger, I decided to do a little silly confession list. So without further ado here we go..

Confession 1: I really do love my Uggs, I know I'm not supposed to anymore but they are just SO warm.
Confession 2: I'm hopelessly addicted to Perez Hilton & Facebook

Confession 3: I've never seen Scarface, The Godfather, Gone with the Wind, Breakfast at Tiffany's, or any Marilyn Monroe movies. I know, this is horrible.
Confession 4: I love violin music, its magical <3
Confession 5: I adore love stories. Elizabeth and Darcy. Cathy and Heathcliff. Fontine and Jean val Jean. I admit it, I'm a sucker.
Confession 6: I hate waiting in line, really. I really loathe waiting in line.
Confession 7: I often think up little stories in my imagination and "write" them like I would a book, except I never write them down.
Confession 8: I sometimes wish I could live in a small town in the middle of nowhere.
Confession 9: I love the history channel, I watch it way too much.
Confession 10: I'm incredibly happy that I'm part Sicilian & Armenian but often wish I was only those 2 things instead of all the other northern European things I am.

Nonetheless Found

I woke up one day not knowing that a simple conversation,
Would turn my whole world upside down.
Not looking, not searching, nor looking, but nonetheless found.
Found an old friend who I hadn't seen in a long time.
Yet when he does make his presence known
Watch out - INTENSE FIRE & HEAT SPARKS WILL FLY
And who is this friend you ask?
This friend is my heart and he said, "I know you are,
Not looking, not searching, nor seeking, but nonetheless found.

DECEMBER = BAKING SEASON

It's officially December, and while I couldn't be happier with this I think my oven is even happier. Because December to me means busting out all my baking dishes, sugar, fruit sauces, chocolate and any other decadent dessert I can get my oven mitts on.

Every year we do a big basket with yummy things inside for the family. This year is no exception, we're doing a dessert basket. We're getting little mason jars and filling them with all the ingredients to make sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies. In addition to those mini cookie cutters will be added to the adorably decorated basket. Since I can't leave the basket without some already baked goods I think I'll include Baklava [an Armenian dessert that is beyond amazing] and little chocolate peppermint wafers. I've never made baklava before, I've seen my family do it since I was a child but I've never actually tried it on my own. But being from an Armenian family [on Daddy's side] I really should know how to make it, so this year I'm going to try! I got the chocolate peppermint wafer recipe from one of my favorite blogs cupcakes & cashmere <3





For Christmas Day dinner I decided that little miniture pies would be a really cute idea to give everyone their own dessert. So I'm making mini pies with little Christmas tree's cut in the middle [the picture shows hearts but I want them to be more holiday appropriate] I decided 2 different fillings would suffice so raspberry & blackberry pie along with an apple cinnamon pie will be on the menu.

Did I mention I TOTALLY love the holidays?

OLD THINGS WITH NEW PASSION

I've always had a thing for antiques - the thought that someone used to own it long ago, that it has a history of its own is really appealing to me. It's survived the elements and now in 2009 is still here for someone to appreciate. I've started my quest to find really old cookbooks. and wine bottles. and clocks. maybe a couple of keys too? They might not really be useful to me but hey what can I say, I have a thing for silly baubles.



Thanksgiving has come and gone & I must say it was quite a success. I was up at 7am cooking away so my family could enjoy the fruits of my labor & it was delicious! I wish I would have remembered to take some pictures while I was cooking but I was too preoccupied. oh well!

Christmas is almost here :] It's the 1st of December and I am THRILLED! Bring on the Christmas music, the presents, the family time, the COOKING, the decorating..sigh I love it all.

Tonight is the Victoria Secret Fashion Show and the girls are coming over so we can watch it tonight. SO excited, I love their shows. They go all out every year!

Btw - totally went to the gym last night :] I went 3 times last week too, yay!!

<3

NEW HABITS JUST SHY OF A NEW YEAR

So I decided yesterday that I'm going to start going back to the gym. Before my dad passed away I was in such better shape, I could run 4 miles without blinking an eye - and let me tell you those days are so not here anymore. I can't run because of my ankle, the doctor said it would be really uncomfortable for me if I did and I risk hurting it again..I can still do tons of other things.

I stopped caring about working out after Daddy passed away, it just wasn't important to me anymore. But now that I'm finally me again, happy and trying to be healthier there is NO more reason for me to not go. I quit smoking, pretty much quit drinking except for occasionally..I've done a lot of good things for myself health wise so this is the last step.

Too bad I really hate the gym, at least when I'm not in shape..so that's the goal. Once I stop dreading going I know I'm getting somewhere lol. The girls are doing it with me which is nice, its always good to have support.

Yay for new changes & new beginnings <3

PS: I'm also trying to rid myself of something else - its slow going but I seem to be doing ok so far. 2 weeks and counting!

BOYS LIKE GIRLS WHO LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT <3

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"

'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

'Cause maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When it's all said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one


I <3 this song. It's so pretty

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.

Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process.

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.

---

No one is perfect, how many times I have to repeat that in my head I have no idea. Sometimes I just wish my mouth would shut up, that I should just not say a word since that seems to be a better way. That whole not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say is true.

Dear God,

Please help me get out of my own way - I can't seem to get it together.

FALLING IN LOVE WITH NAPA

I haven't been to Napa in about 10 years, and quite frankly I can't imagine why I stayed away for so long. I had forgotten how beautiful and peaceful it was up there. It's like you've entered another world where everyone is more relaxed, albeit a bit more eccentric in some cases, with laughter filling the air around you...it was a great place to visit.

We had a hotel opening on November 10th for Hotel Luca – who will be opening their doors in the 24th of this month and it was simply a great party. The hotel itself is gorgeous and looks as if you just traveled from the California wine country straight into Tuscany. As for the party, an Italian trio played softly in the background, wine flowed from bottles into everyone’s eager wine glasses, the most delicious appetizers from Piero were passed around by a charming wait staff and the twinkling lights strung up over the courtyard completed the feel of the night. The owners of the hotel could be heard laughing and mingling with the guests as they arrived, though most of them men had to be torn from the front courtyard where 2 black Ferrari’s were parked to help with the décor of the night. All in all, it was a successful night and once again proved to me that my boss is absolutely amazing and can pull off anything.

On other notes – I’m thinking about redoing my room. It’s a bit bright right now which was perfect for summer but now that fall is among us I’m just not feeling it anymore. I think something darker; a bit cozier perhaps is in order for this season. Of course now I need to decide what I want to do – which is easier said that done. I have a horrible time making up my mind when it comes to decorating because there’s just so many things’ I want to do! Hopefully I can find some inspiration to help guide my efforts through this.

Till the next time, which will be sooner than the last I hope <3

Sisters

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."
-Colossians 2:2-3

Everything God does is for a reason - last night many things that confused me finally made sense. Why was God sending me all these horrible men? Why was I even having a difficult time relating to my best friend? It seemed like whenever there was a man involved it just wasn't going to be a good thing. While my bitterness towards men has cooled, I still have no desire to date. I know one day someone will change my mind but when that is I don't know. However, through all of this - through my pain and anger..He brought me something else.

My entire life I've always had more guy friends then girl friends. Usually because girls irritated me more. Over the past couple of months I've actually gained quite a few girlfriends who have been just amazing. Last night I got back one of my sisters, and I know God did it for a reason. I relied to much on men to get what I wanted, that's really not always a good practice. Looking at a woman for help...well I just never really did that. So I'm happy to say another part of the old me is officially dead, because I no longer harbor negative feelings towards having a bunch of girlfriends, it's actually quite fun :]

Last night also made me realize...we really all are not perfect. In fact, we're pretty unperfect. But that's what makes us who we are, what makes us strive to be better, to do what God want's for our life's. So once again I decided to practice my patience, to not lead with emotion or feeling, and to not anger quickly. There really is no point too, for how can I judge someone when I do worse?

I feel good today though, my faith doesn't falter and I just have to keep walking down the right path.

Humbled..

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

--I asked Him for patience last night. To help me understand others when I can't seem too and to help me forgive those who have angered me. I wrote off my anger last night towards men who don't even deserve a moment of my thought. They are of the world...what did I really except anyways?

I am humbled at this moment - who am I to serve others? I serve one..I serve God. There is nothing more important than that.

I asked Him to help others understand me, to realize that love is all those things above but they must be shared. I asked Him to shower us all in His love and give us hope to do this the way we should.

I am forever grateful that He is there as He is..without him there would be nothing in this life but an empty shell..I continue to grow in awe more and more, and I still continue to fall. But I get back up with His help and move forward, I learn to forgive, I learn to listen, and while I still have much to learn..I know His patience.

MAYBE ITS A GOOD THING

but I really feel like I am over the male population. Boys seriously need to figure out whatever it is that's gone wrong with them over the years. Now I'm not saying girls are perfect because tons of them are tools too but right now I'm just sick of the boys. I would like to know if it really is necessary to act like a pig, to not PAY ATTENTION, to make no effort, to be obsessed with bodies, to think we're just objects and to just be tools. I don't get it..

I'm sick of being judged for what I do - when I'm not even doing anything wrong! I'm just trying to live my life. I go to work, I go to school, I do my internship, go to church. I hangout with my girls because lately they are the only ones I can talk to besides God. Which is totally odd for me..I usually got along with boys better - especially as friends. Now every guy I know is just making me angry. I can't wait till all this resentment towards guys goes away - I really don't like it but I think it might be a good thing because I have NO desire to be with one.

Maybe all it will take is that one guy who actually cares, actually pays attention to what your saying, calls you, wants to see you. Doesn't take you forgranted like the rest of them do.

On other notes - I've been doing really great at my internship lately and I'm super happy about that. Pamela even booked me a massage & facial :]

We have the Hamilton gala this Friday and I'm so excited to raise money for a good cause! I'll post pictures when I get them.

I'm off now..more later.

so I think its a good thing...

but I really feel like I am over the male population. Boys seriously need to figure out whatever it is that's gone wrong with them over the years. Now I'm not saying girls are perfect because tons of them are tools too but right now I'm just sick of the boys. I would like to know if it really is necessary to act like a pig, to not PAY ATTENTION, to make no effort, to be obsessed with bodies, to think we're just objects and to just be tools. I don't get it..

I'm sick of being judged for what I do - when I'm not even doing anything wrong! I'm just trying to live my life. I go to work, I go to school, I do my internship, go to church. I hangout with my girls because lately they are the only ones I can talk to besides God. Which is totally odd for me..I usually got along with boys better - especially as friends. Now every guy I know is just making me angry. I can't wait till all this resentment towards guys goes away - I really don't like it but I think it might be a good thing because I have NO desire to be with one.

Maybe all it will take is that one guy who actually cares, actually pays attention to what your saying, calls you, wants to see you. Doesn't take you forgranted like the rest of them do.

God - please hear this...I don't want to be bitter but I've lost SO much faith in guys its pathetic. Where is the one that will change my mind? The one that will love me for me and not judge me because of who I am. That will realize you are the only one who can judge me...at least I have you. For I have never lost faith in you nor will I.

Last night made it so obvious

So..I went on a date last night. Not really because I want to date, but because I wanted to see what I wanted to do. Let me just say, I now remember why it was I decided to wait and not date anymore. Ugh - men are disgusting. I hate to say it but its true. Whatever or whoever gave men the right to act like complete pigs in the hope of getting something is beyond me. This world is so disgusting sometimes, BUT in all of that God opened up my eyes once again and showed me what happens when I don't listen. Showed me what happens when I try to make these decisions on my own. Epic fail on my part - I shouldn't have gone out with last night. However, and I now say this with complete honestly - I am not dating anymore. I am done, finished, gone, no more...I will be patient for God to show me who I'm meant to be with.

OK..so lately I’ve just been so busy, it really never ends. Not that I don’t love it, because in many ways I really do – but its starting to take over my life. I try to make time for friends and to do fun things to help my stress level but I’m usually just thinking about work or my internship while I’m out – totally not cool!! Ok ok, that was my little rant. No more of that now :]

This past week or so has been great & horrible BUT I did manage to go out with the girls Friday AND Saturday night last weekend – even though I was fighting a cold that is still not going away might I add! It was so much fun – especially Molly Mcgee’s. I have to say that place was actually really fun – or maybe it was just because I had my lovely girls with me but whichever it was – its was totally flipping awesome. Not to mention Monique’s husband got waaaaaay silly and was dancing around like a little kid. Hilarious to watch from our little booth!

Wednesday night we went to a fashion show for Helium Magazine, they actually did a really nice job. I was super impressed with it and the designers were amazing! My favorite of course was Hector Manuel’s “Acta Non Verba” collection. He is a genius and I just love his clothes!! After the show we decided we were going to have 1 drink and then go home…well that didn’t really happen. We ended up at V Bar for Jess’s 21st [Happy Birthday love!!] and my oh my it was fun. I discovered my favorite drink ever!! Cherry Bomb you are a little glass of deliciousness!! It’s dark cherry flavored vodka with red bull – mmhhmmm. Then they called last call at 11:30 – blah too early! So we decided to transfer to a dive bar in Mountain View and stayed there way too late!! I was SO tired yesterday and this cold is just killing me.

So all in all – totally fun. Although tonight I am going to stay home!! No going out!! I have church at 7:30 and then I’m going home and getting in bed. Hopefully :]

Anyways, I have work to do – so I shall post on this thing later.

Which path do you take?

Deuteronomy 30:19

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am no longer able to tell myself I "don't know any better" when it comes to making decisions I know are wrong. I know what I should do, what God would want me to do & I know what he doesn't want me to do. I am happy to report I believe I've gotten a lot better at doing what God wants, because it brings joy to my life to make Him happy. While I am never perfect, I get reminded quite often of how much I still can grow, I believe I hear Him better now than before.

So all I can do is continue down the right path, down His path and know that whatever it is He has planned for me is far better than anything I could have accomplished on my own.

1 John 5:14

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

WHILE SOME MADNESS ENDED, OTHERS CONTINUE

Well, the fashion show is FINALLY done. I have to say I'm quite happy that I don't need to worry about it anymore. The clothes were gorgeous, the models fabulous, Limon Salon & Color Cowboy did an AMAZING job with the hair and makeup. Only problem is we [as in the Arts Institute] didn't get mentioned for producing the show in not 1 but 2 newspapers. I guess we can't get the glory for all of our hard work...sigh. It is what it is. [That's Aggie Klosinska getting her makeup done by Miss Meighan Drexel]

On another note - now that I don't have to worry about the fashion show anymore I do have a wedding this weekend. It's going to be a fabulous wedding, I really am SO excited to see it when everything is ready to go. I can't believe its my 1st wedding in event planning, its like a dream. I know there's a lot to be done but its all in the experience! [That picture to the left is Hector & I freaking out haha]

Speaking of the experience, I need a black dress pronto. Not saying I don't have a million black dresses because I do, but they are either too short, too revealing or too dressy for an event planners wardrobe for events. Of course being so short its about impossible to find the right length dress for me, they are ALL just too long. So tonight I'm hoping my lovely Nordstrom won't let me down as I go look for that dang dress. Wish me luck!!

Well I really need to get back to work, I have to find a bazillion pumpkins for decor for the Hamilton event, get drink sponsors, somehow find someone to give us sushi and heaven knows what else is on that list. Till the next time, which hopefully won't be as long as the last!! [The picture to the right is Miss Vanessa Houle]

OH WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!

I haven't posted anything in days, I just don't have the time! This fashion show is on Friday, my 1st wedding in 2 weeks. Someone please help me!

So I shall say goodbye for a bit longer and post when I actually have time to get my head straight.

KATE SPADE OBSESSION

So I just realized that if I made A LOT more money - I think I would wear only Kate Spade clothes. Tell me why she has made the most ADORABLE fall collection and I'm pretty much drooling over here because I want it so bad. The prints, the sleeves, the dresses, the COATS!! Not to mention the shoes, accessories and the purses!!

I already own 1 Kate Spade bag - which needless to say is my baby. I treasure that thing like it's alive because it was my very 1st designer bag that I bought all by myself! Please see below for a picture of my baby :]
Now - as I mentioned before, I just want to wear Kate Spade clothes!! I was in San Francisco the other day on a field trip for school...and we happened to walk by the Kate Spade store in the mall. My teacher had to drag me away, I was dying. I wanted this coat so bad I didn't know what to do with myself! Sigh - why can't I already be fabulous is the fashion world and able to buy such beautiful things?So cute, I could just imagine walking down the street in the that - somehow I must recreate these outfits to fit my income..but it still won't be Kate :[So I'll let you know how I fair on getting these outfits - I think I'll start with the 1st one.

In other news - fashion show is about 2 weeks away! CUE PANIC MUSIC NOW. However I am sure we can get it together and make it fabulous! Then I have 2 weddings, and rehearsal dinners, and a charity event, store opening, trunk show AND a hotel opening. Phew! Talk about a lot to do :]

God makes my heart sing :]

1 Corinthians 14:1 Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does.

WEDDINGS WEDDINGS WEDDINGS

Maybe its because I have my first wedding in September & I've been reviewing wedding details all day but I can't seem to get weddings out of my head! Though I suppose that's a good thing considering I'm working in event planning.

So with other peoples weddings swirling in my brain I couldn't help but think about my wedding. Which lets be completely honest - I totally have NO business thinking about my wedding, its so not happening anytime soon. But you can never be too prepared I guess :]

I found this Monique Lhuillier design that I LOVE. I have this love that borders obsession with old things. Antiques, old clothes, books, jewelry, you name it I'll most likely like it. This design is just so old fashioned and elegant - its really modest considering wedding dresses these days but I would love that dress.

OMG - speaking of Monique Lhuillier she's on Project Runway right now as a judge! Love it!

Anyways, I think I'll close this post with something else that I love, a simple thing again. I love the color of the sky on a cool fall day. When its varying colors of dark grey and light grey, it always makes me smile when I walk out the door in the morning and I see grey skies.

AND THE EVENT CONTINUES

SO in addition to school and working a boring office job [not that I don't love it because I do! But seriously, software is just not that exciting] I started at an amazing event planning company as an intern/associate producer! It's been fantastic and to say the least incredibly hectic. I never knew there were SO many things that you needed to do to plan an event.

On that note, we're currently working on an event for Hamilton Family Center - they work with homeless families in San Francisco and they are so amazing at what they do! They really make a big difference in the community and I'm totally honored to be on the committee for this event.

The Location: the magnificent Julia Morgan Ballroom at the Merchants Exchange Building
The Time: October 16th, 2009
Count down: t-minus roughly 49 days to finish this thing!!

But my boss is like super woman - I swear she could pull these things off in her sleep if she wanted too. I finally got to see the venue yesterday and all I can say is WOW. This place is going to be simply magical when we're done with it and it's all in the name of a good cause! What more could a girl ask for?

So I think I'll leave you with that, I have to finish up some more work before I jet off to school today - which should be incredibly enjoyable considering I get to work on our fashion show [more on this later] and interview male models today. My life is so difficult - sigh :]

PRETTY LITTLE THINGS

Today as I sat in my office trying to figure out how to handle work, an internship, school, church & keep some form of social life going I began to wonder if I truly ever appreciate the things around me. I'm always go go go - I never stop. A perfect example of this is my sister's acupuncturist, he took one look at me and told me I needed to slow down and breathe once in awhile. My question is, exactly how am I supposed to accomplish that? I have way too many things I have to do, but I WANT to do them! I like the chaos, which is most likely a deeper issue that I don't wish to ponder at the moment but seriously, I enjoy what I do...really I do.

On that note, my understanding on this is I need to see more around me. There are too many times when I just fly by things and never take them in. When I'm doing one thing while thinking of the next thing I need to get done. I know I'm not the only one that does this - I know there has to be tons of us that are guilty of that. So..that being said..I want to see the beauty in things, I want to slow down. A little bit. Ok not really slow down but maybe pause for a minute or two before rushing off again.

I tried to think of something simple, something that's in my everyday life that brings me peace and a sense of warmth or something like that. My first thought was God, since my faith is something that brings me peace everyday of my life, but I wanted to think of something on this world that made me feel that way as well..then I came to cinnamon - totally random I know but there's something about the smell of cinnamon that I love. It reminds me of my daddy, he would eat anything if it was cinnamon flavored. I think of Thanksgiving and Christmas, the smell of pies in the oven or the little bowl on the table full of cinnamon sticks. I love the way it looks, the warm brown color molded into swirled perfection.

So now I'm off to the store to buy things for pasta dinner with Jessie & Rachel - it should be a masterpiece with 3 Italian girls working on it.

comfort in Him

I was reading a book the other day and I found this...

"that in heaven, there were cards on which were printed the names of every person on earth. The cards were in Gods hands. Written on each card, in real big print, were three words: I LOVE YOU. she found comfort in this, and so did I. I still do.."

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

I understand that such small gifts were one seed that blossomed in two hearts.

So a lot has changed the last couple of weeks - in an odd way I feel like I've grown a bit. You wouldn't think that you could "grow" in 2 weeks - but I really feel like I have.

I found a new church and so far I really love it there...there's something about it that just gives me peace. There's a college group there and I'm going to start going on Thursday so we'll see how it goes but so far the people I've met are super nice. While I miss my old church..I feel like leaving was the right thing to do. I really felt in my spirit that I needed to grow more and become a more independent Christian and holding on to my best friend wasn't the way to do that. While he's always there for me no matter what - I need to find my own place in church and in my Christian life. So far so good - I just hope it continues :]

What I'm struggling with the most is that I like someone who doesn't have my ideals for my future spouse. Which makes me wonder why I like him at all - if he isn't what I'm looking for? Love, lust, attraction - its all so confusing. While you feel one way and know what you need - you can still see something and then change your mind. It's quite annoying that our mind and hearts can be so flimsy...we really are nothing without the strength of God. However all this is - its spiritual warfare...it will always be here in any shape or form they can throw at us. So I learn and I pray - I listen to God to show me what he wants of me..and I move on.

sometimes you stand in a room full of people and feel utterly alone. while one might not understand why, what they could have done to feel that way, its just another thing to deal with. i am a woman of god, of faith, hope and love. while its hard to love others who show you no reason too i keep trying, sometimes it hurts me so much i just dont want to deal with it, but then i remember my faith and it pushes me on. not everything can be perfect in life, there are always road blocks. but i am a strong woman who can do anything, thats who god made me to be and i will continue to strive to his goals for my life.

Love

Thoughts of love kept going through my head today. So many times in life people try to figure out what love is - what it feels like. I've never been in love, I thought I was close once but I now realize that was based off of lust. I used to think that love was just a feeling that we got when we found that person we wanted to be with. Love confused me - and it still does in many ways. I've always been terrified that I would over look that one person who is meant for me, or that I would have too calloused a heart to give them anything in return. That love in all forms in my life from friendship to romantic love would never play out the way they should because I couldn't understand it. That was I didn't understand it till I asked God...

There are 281 mentions of love in the Bible. God is the best form of love we have - for His is unconditional - because of Him we received Jesus. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." [John 3:16]

A few weeks ago my culture teacher asked the class "What do you think love is - what do you think marriage is." The answers were depressing, it's as if we no longer believe in love anymore. We are all so obsessed with our own needs and viewing the person as a means to those needs that we no longer see how amazing love truly is. In a love relationship between a man and a woman, the romance is the physical evidence of the love that exists. When that relationship progresses to marriage, the love built between the man and woman only grows deeper as the bond is made stronger through the intimate union of body and soul. The Song of Solomon is completely filled with love - every passage attests to the deep and abiding love between the lover and beloved. The two are so consumed with that love that it fills them and gives them strength to face each new day.

However - it's important to keep in mind that love is an action. It's not passive, and it's not a feeling. It's a verb. It requires you to do something in order to bring it to pass. It also requires that you put the other person's wants and desires above your own.

The reason I wrote this is not only because I was thinking about it today but to show how much we misunderstand what God created for us. I used to think of the worldly version of love as the only way - but with God's love and guidance in my life I've now seen the truth. Where I used to be cynical and hardened by the world - now lays a slowly mending heart open to all that God has to offer.

"Whom have I in heaven but You?And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

“I will love You, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised;So shall I be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3

-Steph

A fresh start :]

Everything is finally done - I feel like I can start the life that I was meant to live 100% now. I'm done moving, my faith is solid and I have the most amazing friends and family here for me. I'm so excited to see what can happen now, I know I just need to continue to become the woman He meant for me to be.

and with those words my heart is set free

God has blessed me so much that I find it hard to believe sometimes – but I know he can do anything so I try not to question it. I just heard the guy I used to care for tell me he found someone, and I was genuinely happy for him when he told me. I used to think that would just kill me if I ever heard those words – but it was quite the opposite. I also see that my heart belongs to another and I’m so happy it is. We weren’t right for each other in numerous ways and now maybe we can actually be friends. It’s a great feeling honestly and I’m so excited that I am able to handle things the way I do now. It’s such a blessing that God’s given me and I will forever be grateful because I know he has something amazing planned for me.

An update

Things have been going good lately - I no longer feel the ever present dread of failing anymore. I finally realized what was making me feel that way and I've just put complete trust in God. If I'm doing something wrong he will convict me - and he already has on some things. I was able to stand up in class during our religion discussion last week and say I believe in God - that Christianity is my religion and that I am not nor ever will be ashamed of that. [its amazing how many people don't believe - or want to but say they can't believe in something that has no proof - I just say well you have to have faith and believing is easy after that] I feel at peace - its a great feeling and I'm glad I've finally gotten here.

I'm trying to be patient with things and not anger quickly but sometimes its so hard. I need to learn how to control my temper and my emotions - and I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now but I prayed last night for help with this. I know God can help me with these reactions of mine - I just wish I didn't get so easily frustrated.

But - at least I'm moving in like 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited :]

Faith

To “keep” the faith, (and also to grow in it) one must use it. Faith is not meant to be passive; it strives on calamities, weaknesses, shortcomings and all things that we are afraid off and seem impossible. The most destitute soul on the face of this earth is one that lost hope, faith is framed by it. Keep in mind that your instinct, intellect or wisdom will not suffice for faith. It is faith which ultimately triumphs and it’s faith that introduces and pushes you to love. Only in love, your faith is really made free. It's like a ship, although safe in a harbor, that isn't why it was made. Faith needs you to trust, cut the ropes and push away. Only then you will allow God to take the helm of your life, and once you experience that, you will look for open waters, and pray for the wind, not calm…

Conversations with the past

Last night I had a conversation with one of my really good friends - and while trying to explain why I'm living the way I am I realized its very hard to get anyone who doesn't feel the same way to understand. I got quite a few weird looks and while she's happy for me because I'm doing so great now I know she doesn't completely get it. I was listening to music today and I stumbled upon this song below - so instead of writing more I'm just going to post the song because it explains how I feel pretty perfectly.

They're telling me they're concerned for the way I am living
That I'll miss it all why would I think that God is that trusting
I can't explain all the words He has spoken to my heart
Why'd I want him more

I don't regret choosing you
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

Why do we think if we trust God too much will fail us
Nothing has come when I chose that its in me I'd trust
Separate me You have called out to follow You blindly
I won't fear You're leading me

I don't regret choosing You
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

You have shown my ever wondering heart what love is
What on earth is more important than to have all of you

I don't regret choosing you
And I'm not ashamed
That it's You who holds my heart

:]

This weekend really convicted me of so many things. I’m still so apart of the world that it’s hindering my walk with God – and that is no longer something that is acceptable to me. I want to be filled with the holy spirit but I’m not doing all that I need to do in order for that to happen. So many things are just a habit to me – I don’t even want to do them but I’ve had them in my life for so long that it’s hard to stop. I waste so much time when I should be productive doing things for school, or going to the gym, dancing, reading my bible… so I decided that I need to break these habits that keep me from the things I really want to do. I’m taking a break from myspace & facebook – my time spent on those sites could be put to such better use. If I read my bible or prayed as much as I was on those things I would be in a much better position right now. So I’m giving myself 1 month – that’s about the time you need to break a habit. :]

ps: Rebecca St James & BarlowGirl - Forgive Me

-Steph

"I love you because I know you're always there. There to catch me when I fall. There to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone. I love you because you understand me. You know how I feel even when I can't say it. You know I'm not as strong as I say and still you never let me know that I'm not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe, believe that I am not worthless. Believe that I can be loved, am loved, and can love others. I love you because you know, you know I feel this way but can't say it and still you wait. Letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that I love you, would give my life up to be with you. And above all, never hurt you, lie to you, or leave you. Now I hope you understand."

Feelings...

they are the worst thing in the world sometimes...

they can lead you in so many wrong directions that you don't even know what you're feeling anymore.

but you can make the decision not to lead with your feelings - but to lead with what you know is right.

its hard though when sometimes you can't seem to get the thoughts of him out of your head.

Funny how this happens

So I had a road block - a pretty big one actually. I totally failed the test I was so sure I could conquer and I was feeling really down about it. It took me almost 2 weeks to tell J about it - I was so ashamed I really didn't want to tell anyone. Even after I told someone...everything that was said was just words to me. They didn't make much of a difference to how I was feeling at that moment. I felt so far away from God and everything that I had accepted into my life over the past few months and it was incredibly draining. It was amazing to me at how quickly the world took over my life once again - when I didn't think that was possible. I didn't feel like I deserved to be forgiven even though that's why Jesus died..to forgive us for our sins even when we don't feel like we should be forgiven.

I hung out with J & SB last night and it was pretty awesome - they always make me laugh...when J walked me to the door he told me to look up 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 - that God told him to tell me to read that & that he has an amazing path for me. [You know sometimes I feel like J knows more than I do about my own walk & path with God - it seems God tells him more than he tells me!! whats up with that? :)] anyways - I read it and I was speechless. It was exactly how I had been feeling about the issues I was having with the "problem" & it just resonated deep within me. Because I am weak, I am strong...he gives me my strength & that is enough to win any trial I may hit down the road. I just need to accept that there will always be a thorn in my flesh but that it can make me stronger.

hang up

I'm confused...

why oh why did I let this happen again?

& now I sit here and smile

So I finally watched the videos of my dad from when I was a kid last night. J came over to watch them with me because I wasn't sure I was going to be able too...but I have to say it was easier than I would have ever imagined. I cried a little - but not much...more than anything it was just amazing to see him healthy and young again. I had forgotten how happy & funny my dad was - he had the best one liners seriously! Jordan and I were just cracking up over most of the things we watched - not to mention seeing myself at the age of 2 through 5 was an experience of its own. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, I can now look at my daddy and remember how awesome he was and how lucky I was to have such a fun dad. I think when you lose someone you remember how they were before - when they were sick or unhappy. You yourself are so unhappy that its almost impossible to think of that person and laugh. So I got to laugh with my dad again and it was something that I really needed. God has totally brought me to this point in my life and because of him I am forever grateful...he gave me my life back and I can really say I'm happy right now. I feel like myself again and I've been waiting to say that for a very long time.

Yes you are ready

My friend Lovetta from work sent this to me this morning and said she thought it would be perfect for me. You see, yesterday I told her that I had accepted God back into my life and I gained another amazing friend & Christian in my life. I've been so worried about telling people because of what they would think or say and I realize that's just silly. So I told someone and came to find out she was Christian too :] I don't want to be afraid to tell people anymore - yes they might judge me for my beliefs but it doesn't matter to me. What matters is that God knows I stand here on this earth for him and he knows my love. I hope that what Lovetta sent me below will help you as much as it did me.

There is no limit to the number of ways in which you can create real value.
Breathe deeply, smile lovingly, and just do it.
The moment you're in is plenty. The place where you are is an ideal place from which to move forward.
Instead of punishing yourself with regret, delight yourself with the possibilities.
Get busy creating and living a beautiful now.
Yes, you are ready to be your best. Let go of the doubts and let it happen.
You can create your very own future, and you are doing so even now.
Take this opportunity to fill it with what you know to be good and valuable and meaningful.
There is immense beauty in you that you have not yet seen.
Share it with the world and live the joy of discovery as that beauty continues to unfold.

-- Ralph Marston

Faith, Hope, and Love

Its almost been a year since my daddy passed away. Almost a year since my best friend, my mentor, my hero left me in this world for a life with God. I've come a long way in dealing with my dads death recently but I still can't help but feel helpless with this marker coming nearer every day. How have I lived my life for almost a year without him? It seems like that shouldnt be possible but it is...

I found this passage from the bible last night - I was reading the part J had highlighted because its such an awesome part of Corinthians and I decided to read down further. As I read it - it just hit me really deeply because it's so true and sometimes we lose sight of these things, I've done it quite a few times. So today this is going to be a short post and I'll leave you with this:

1 Corinthians 13:13
Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.

Another crossroad

Last night was a difficult one for me, I felt like I let down myself, my friends and above all God. Not because I actually did anything wrong but because I was thinking about doing something I know is a huge mistake. Being a girl in this world is hard enough, being a girl and fighting off men because of God can be almost impossible at times. The thought "well just one more time wouldn't hurt would it?" actually ran through my mind, I was sitting there telling him maybe because I wasn't sure what to do. That word is a dangerous one, maybe...it can lead to so many things that you know shouldn't happen. You're leaving the door open just a crack, but sometimes thats all they need to get it wide open.

What I'm about to write is for all girls out there because we've all gone through this; especially if you've been sexually active and are now trying not to be. Giving up on the guy that you've been with for a long time is hard; it will seem impossible at times but I do believe it is possible. I'm not even to the point where I can say I'm over him, that I could see him and feel nothing because sometimes all those feelings come rushing back to me. You have to know though that what most of us are doing is not love, in fact it has nothing to do with love. Sleeping with someone when you don't even love them is so hurtful to God - that wasn't what he made it for. Sometimes you have to give up the things you really want, I really want him...I wish he was the right guy but I know deep down he isn't nor will he ever be. Part of turning your life around means getting rid of the things that prevent you from living a godly life; it might be hard but its worth it in the end.

So I called SB..hanging out with her was an amazing help, she understood what I was talking about when it comes to people you've had feelings for. She also helped me realize that again I was about to make a big mistake if I gave into him because after I would regret it horribly. So once again I feel like I hit a crossroad and I almost went down the wrong path but with the will of God and 2 amazing friends I went down the right one.

-Steph

Dear God,

I just wrote an entire blog entry and as I was reading it over I realized that all I was saying was how I wished this and that and how I wanted to just believe as the others do. To not see the temptations that are in front of me and to not second guess your plans for my life.

well...

I get it, I just need to let it go and I can be like the others. I need to choose to not see the temptations...and if I do see them I need to not act on them. If I want to live a godly life then I need to take the steps to get there.

I know this is going to be a hard path to follow in the ways of turning my back on what I've known for years into a life that I know in my heart is the right thing. I guess I just need to trust my heart and you...that I will get this right and that I will make mistakes but that I'll always get back up and come back to you because I love you and you give my life meaning. I was in a dark place before you and I see the beautiful light of love when I think of you. You've made me believe again, you've made me see who I can truly be if I let you take me there.

Thank you for being there with me through this all, I will make this...I promise.

-Steph

Where to start..

I tried this whole blogging thing once before and it never really took off for me; I got easily bored with the idea of updating it all the time for only a few people to read. This time though the goal of my blogging is quite different. Writing has always been something that has helped me work through things and at the the moment I feel as if I'm at the biggest crossroads of my life. I've always called myself a Christian, I used to go to church in high school and I love God. However, I really had no right to call myself a Christian because I wasn't showing any obedience to God. After high school I felt like I could do anything without any consequences - college life consumed who I was. I began drinking heavily and even experimenting with weed; I began having physical relationships with guys that I didn't love. In the eyes of many I was just a normal college kid; just having some fun while I was still young. In 2007 my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my drinking spiraled out of control. I began to drink to drown out the feelings I was having and I thought I could run from the reality of the situation. After a few months of this I realized what I was doing and that I needed to be strong for my dad and becoming an alcoholic was not the way to do that. I stopped drinking for 8 months after that; after 8 months I slowly starting to socially drink with my friends again but I felt it was ok because I wasn't losing control this time. All the while I was continuing to have boyfriends that didn't mean much and sleeping with them; still being a normal college kid in the eyes of my friends and even family...

My father passed away April 7th 2008 - my life from that point was a downward spiral till very recently. The drinking came back hardcore, I would black out every time I picked up the bottle. I became a person I to this day do not recognize; I hit one of my best friends in the face, I would cry and scream, it was not a proud part of my life. On November 7th 2008 I put myself in a situation that could have killed me...I drove intoxicated. I crashed into a tree and I fully believe the only reason I am here typing this is because my father and God saved me. None of the police or people there could believe that I was alive and that all I had were cuts, bruises and a broken ankle. That was the beginning for me...my 1st revelation that something needed to change.

God brought me back to one of my old friends from high school who had found God and had turned his life around. Listening to him was one of the most amazing things I ever witnessed in my life so far. How someone could believe so much and love God so much; it was inspiring. I thought about how I always said I loved God - but in comparison to this my love was practically a lie. It's been almost 2 months since I've started letting God back into my life and the things he's already done for me are indescribable. I have much to learn and many more things to learn but it's something I'm trying to commit myself to fully.

I'm almost done reading the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris - its changed a lot of views I used to have on the whole dating world. While the idea of doing what Joshua says is something incredibly difficult for me to process half the time; I envy the people who have done it. Not dating till your ready for marriage because if your not ready to marry someone you have no business dating them. It's selfish and will only hurt you and the other person involved in the long run. The hardest part of everything would be the physical aspect of not dating. Not sleeping with someone till marriage is God's will; following that will is an all out war inside of me. If you asked me a few months ago if I would ever wait till marriage to sleep with my husband I would have laughed in your face and told you that you were crazy. How can you marry someone if you don't know how they are in bed? What if they suck!? I realize now how depressing that view of marriage is; you do NOT marry someone because the sex is good. You marry your husband or wife because that is the person God made for you to love, and I mean really love. I've decided that I want to try to put his ideas to a test in my life - to not date till I'm ready and to not to sleep with someone till I love them but that's easier said than done. I love dating...its fun and sometimes really gratifying. However I understand the point of singleness and what I should be doing with my time before marriage.

I know this is a long rambling of many different things but I feel like I need to get all this out for me to fully be able to go through this journey. I'm on the edge right now, I can one way or the other and it's a constant battle within me. My one hope is that someone somewhere stumbles upon this little blog and it saves them. I hope that people can see that you can make mistake after mistake and God will always forgive you because that's what Jesus did for us. We just have to accept him and give him our life's and he will guide us the way we were meant to be.

- Stephanie