???

My heart hurts. An actual physical pain. Sometimes I can't stop repeating this one sentence in my head. I can't stop hearing he's dead. Even though I've dealt with this, accepted my grief and that reality...sometimes it haunts me and refuses to go away. It makes it hard to breathe, lingering on that thought. Hearing the finality of it, the fact that its so irrovocably true, that nothing can never change that 1 statement. I'm terrified. I still don't know how to survive without him, still have not figured out how to do this on my own. Can't get over the fact that everything for the rest of my life will be forever bittersweet because there is a huge piece of my life missing. I fully believe this doesn't get easier as time passes, to me it gets harder. Each day adding more distance and more time away from him.

This is just my way of saying I love you. And I miss you. And I love you, even though you are dead, and my love for you has no place to go now. And I love you even though I can't hear you anymore. And I love you, without any even thoughs. I want you to know that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be ok.

I just wish I could have my father back...