I tried this whole blogging thing once before and it never really took off for me; I got easily bored with the idea of updating it all the time for only a few people to read. This time though the goal of my blogging is quite different. Writing has always been something that has helped me work through things and at the the moment I feel as if I'm at the biggest crossroads of my life. I've always called myself a Christian, I used to go to church in high school and I love God. However, I really had no right to call myself a Christian because I wasn't showing any obedience to God. After high school I felt like I could do anything without any consequences - college life consumed who I was. I began drinking heavily and even experimenting with weed; I began having physical relationships with guys that I didn't love. In the eyes of many I was just a normal college kid; just having some fun while I was still young. In 2007 my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my drinking spiraled out of control. I began to drink to drown out the feelings I was having and I thought I could run from the reality of the situation. After a few months of this I realized what I was doing and that I needed to be strong for my dad and becoming an alcoholic was not the way to do that. I stopped drinking for 8 months after that; after 8 months I slowly starting to socially drink with my friends again but I felt it was ok because I wasn't losing control this time. All the while I was continuing to have boyfriends that didn't mean much and sleeping with them; still being a normal college kid in the eyes of my friends and even family...
My father passed away April 7th 2008 - my life from that point was a downward spiral till very recently. The drinking came back hardcore, I would black out every time I picked up the bottle. I became a person I to this day do not recognize; I hit one of my best friends in the face, I would cry and scream, it was not a proud part of my life. On November 7th 2008 I put myself in a situation that could have killed me...I drove intoxicated. I crashed into a tree and I fully believe the only reason I am here typing this is because my father and God saved me. None of the police or people there could believe that I was alive and that all I had were cuts, bruises and a broken ankle. That was the beginning for me...my 1st revelation that something needed to change.
God brought me back to one of my old friends from high school who had found God and had turned his life around. Listening to him was one of the most amazing things I ever witnessed in my life so far. How someone could believe so much and love God so much; it was inspiring. I thought about how I always said I loved God - but in comparison to this my love was practically a lie. It's been almost 2 months since I've started letting God back into my life and the things he's already done for me are indescribable. I have much to learn and many more things to learn but it's something I'm trying to commit myself to fully.
I'm almost done reading the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris - its changed a lot of views I used to have on the whole dating world. While the idea of doing what Joshua says is something incredibly difficult for me to process half the time; I envy the people who have done it. Not dating till your ready for marriage because if your not ready to marry someone you have no business dating them. It's selfish and will only hurt you and the other person involved in the long run. The hardest part of everything would be the physical aspect of not dating. Not sleeping with someone till marriage is God's will; following that will is an all out war inside of me. If you asked me a few months ago if I would ever wait till marriage to sleep with my husband I would have laughed in your face and told you that you were crazy. How can you marry someone if you don't know how they are in bed? What if they suck!? I realize now how depressing that view of marriage is; you do NOT marry someone because the sex is good. You marry your husband or wife because that is the person God made for you to love, and I mean really love. I've decided that I want to try to put his ideas to a test in my life - to not date till I'm ready and to not to sleep with someone till I love them but that's easier said than done. I love dating...its fun and sometimes really gratifying. However I understand the point of singleness and what I should be doing with my time before marriage.
I know this is a long rambling of many different things but I feel like I need to get all this out for me to fully be able to go through this journey. I'm on the edge right now, I can one way or the other and it's a constant battle within me. My one hope is that someone somewhere stumbles upon this little blog and it saves them. I hope that people can see that you can make mistake after mistake and God will always forgive you because that's what Jesus did for us. We just have to accept him and give him our life's and he will guide us the way we were meant to be.
- Stephanie
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